The Suitable Match

Islam has provided a set of guidelines that help in causing marriage to be stable, enjoyable and happy. Various attractions may motivate people in their choice, and perhaps blind them to consequences that could not be difficult to anticipate. A nice looking person may not prove to be the suitable companion in this life long journey of marriage. Similarly wealth may be luring but is certainly no guarantee of happiness.

A sound advice given by the prophet peace be upon him is:

"Don't marry women for their beauty for their beauty might turn out to be destructive to them. Or for their wealth for this might make them arrogant. But marry them for their steadfastness in religion."    (Ibn Hameed)

"A woman is married for (either ot) four reasons: her wealth, social class, beautiful looks and religion. Make sure you win the one with (the attribute ot) religion or else your hands would be dust covered out of poverty. " (Bukhari Muslim)

Yet it is a fact of life that people make their choices in accordance with their own mornl structure. As birds of one feather flock together, the system of priorities will be different in different people, the virtuous person will seek a virtuous partner, whereas the sensuous or the materialist will seek otherwise:

"Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure. And women of purity are for men of purity , and men ofpuri- ty are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say; for them there is forgiveness and honorable provision. " (24:26)

Among the good features of the successful wife is her amicable nature, and also that she would be capable of begetting children. The prophet's guidance in this respect is:
"I recommend to you the pleasant of nature who is capable of begetting children for you. ..for I will pride myself with you amongst the nations at the day of reckoning. " (Abu Dawood; AI-Nissa 'i)

A consideration of the spouse's background and the environment in which she was raised as a child is also important. One of the companions of the prophet commented when a friend recommended a certain woman to him to marry her: I would like to see how my children from her would be. When asked how, he answered: I should know about her home conditions and how her parents 'treated one another. Groups of people do subscribe to certain values, and it is more reassuring to know that the person was brought up in a family or community where morals have been valued over the generations. The influence of the family pedigree on. the passing over of certain traits is true, both at the physical and behavioural levels, for pedigrees have more genes in common, and the genes are the cipher of inheritance of many physical and psychological patterns. In this respect, one of the prophet's sayings is very relevant. :

'Be choosy for your nutfas (whom to marry), for traits do penetrate (along generations). ' , (Al-Bukhari)

The two parties of the proposed marriage should also be esthetically acceptable to one another. Matched marriages still practised in some quarters where the decision is taken while the two parties do not know each other, do not comply with the regulations of Islam. When one of the companions told the prophet that he proposed to a woman, the prophet asked if he had seen her. The man answered no. ..so the prophet ordered him to go and have a good look at her:

"Go back and have a good look at her for this is more assuring of happy life together." (Termizi; Al-Nissai'i)

"If one of you proposes to a woman he should look at her to make sure she is pleasant in his eyes and that he really looks forward to marry her." (Abu Dawood)

With the same token, the woman should look at the proposer and make sure that he looks agreable to her. It is also befitting that the two can sit together to know more about each other, and to discuss their thoughts, inclinations and outlooks. They would be evaluating one another and perhaps exchanging views on matters that might reveal incompati-bilities better to be uncovered beforehand. These private conver-sations, however , must not be conducted in seclusion (Khalwa) where they are alone in a place inaccessible to other people. During these dialogues an important criterion of marriage can be ensured: that is Kafa 'a or equivalence, if the two are not sufficiently knowledgeable of one another. Kafa'a is an Arabic word and a technical religious term, signifying' 'suitability' , of the couple to be each other's consort. Kafa 'a should not be misinterpreted to denote financial status. Nor does it refer to ancestry or tribal social and/or economic status. Regrettably there are many who are still captives of tribal non- Islamic traditions who give more heed to greed or creed. The prophet warned against these misinterpretations saying:

"If one proposes whose piety and morals are acknowledged by you, then accept him or else there would be tumult in the land and large scale corruption." (Termizi)
The prophet himself arranged the marriage of his cousin, Zainab bint lahsh to his adopted son Zaid ibn Haritha, who had been a freed slave.

Perhaps the best definition of Kafa 'a in modern terminology is the 'cultural background' that should be near enough in the two parties, so as to ensure harmony in their life.